meet love halfway.
So, I had a first love. I am guessing at some point we all do.
I don’t usually write/think about him too much since it creates a strong emotion in me – both good and not so good. I still wonder about a lot of “what ifs” attached to the situation, and it brings a little sadness as I sit here, listening to my itunes “life-changingingly beautiful” mix and let it all roll around in there. But I digress.
Today isn’t about the magic of that first love or those slow/fast moments in the beginning, when I was so excited and crazy about someone that I felt like I was going to vomit pretty much the whole time or when I couldn’t concentrate on the movie just because he was so close. So then there was a slew of movies I had to rewatch at a later time because I didn’t remember anything about them. Or the moments that unfold when you sit there and realize that someone else really, really gets you and more importantly, wants to take the time to try. But that is not what it is about, that was really just for me.
It is about what happens a few years later when you re-connect. When you both have grown up a little, been hurt a few more times and realize that you still have all of these emotions, crazy chemistry and ridiculous curiosity in knowing and understanding each other. And then….now what?
Man, that stuff? The absolutely delicious, wildly exciting, questionably crazy emotions that come along with chemistry, passion and lust is the easy stuff. It is the next steps that get tricky…at least they did for me. Here we go.
I am a strong woman. I can hold my end of virtually any conversation that doesn’t involve some advanced talk of math or science, I can make most people laugh pretty easily, I have had cool ass jobs (hello…dating coach?). I have seen more of the world than most people will ever see and have just gotten started. I can change the tire on my car, cook a 5-course gourmet meal, design a website and then drop a conversation on how social media is effecting society, dating and small business like nothin’. True story.
So when he came back into my life I was on top of the world. I had started reconnecting with him from Italy (didn’t I sound super fancy there?) while I was working on cruise ships and the conversations became more frequent when I moved back to Madison and in with my best friend. I was excited and nervous about this possibility but also really aware of the heartbreak that came the first time around. Although he was physically half way across the country, we started talking daily, sharing our lives, hopes and dreams together. Talking to him became the best part of my day.
Then one day, things changed when I really f-ed up at work. I had gotten a new job and completely and totally dropped the ball. I had inconvenienced a crap load of people and it was even a question if this job was a “good fit for me.” I was devastated. So when the call came that night, I broke into tears. Not cute, sniffle tears but the I can barely speak because I am hysterically crying tears. He was silent.
The silence immediately made me scared because all of a sudden I realized that I had never been this person around him. I had been Awesome Kira. You know “funny, smart, I’m all good – too legit to quit – I can take care of myself” Kira? In that 5-second silence, I imagined the potential of this beautiful relationship being tossed out the window. Then something weird happened.
I realized our relationship did change but not in the way that I thought it would. He cleared his throat, softly and sweetly said, “I am so sorry honey, how can I help? I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know it is going to be ok.” Within a couple of minutes he had me laughing through the tears and I felt better and our relationship had moved to this new level that I didn’t even know we were not reaching.
What I realized in retrospect is that although he really liked “awesome Kira,” it wasn’t enough. I had never really given him a reason to really be there and contribute something to my life. I had put on this whole “look at me, I can do it all by myself” attitude (which, by the way, is complete and utter b*llshit) that never really let him see all sides of me or where he could fit in to my world. By allowing him to see that vulnerability, I allowed him to step up and play a different role where he could feel needed and important. Qualities in every great relationship.
I heard this great quote about it not to long ago: “People like us for being nice. They will admire and respect us for having our act together. But they can only love us when we allow them to see our vulnerabilities and our flaws.”
Dating Makeover Challenge: So here is my question to you all you “awesome” ladies (and yes I mean you my little overachievers). Is your “awesome” holding you back from real love? From a relationship that offers give AND take? Do guys walk in and out of your life because they aren’t sure what to do there since you already have it all figured out?
It is great to be awesome, but it is better to be loved.
-Kira
photo credit to wordsoverpixels.com
Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about a recent article about love that had gone wrong. My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said “what DID happen there? You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”
With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time and had chosen her. I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”
(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)
Huh?!?
What was this logic she was bestowing on me? You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him? That I had wanted him to stay? That I wanted see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level? That there were options and I was one of them?
I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me. At the time I was devastated. I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time. How nice of me, right?
Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out. Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot. Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up about being dumped. I was never dumped….I never even let myself even be considered.
After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about. Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to hope that they liked me. I would sit around and wait for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Micael Cera-esque type of fashion making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” monologue being the perfect amount of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.
After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen because usually they are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable. They are just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them, if they didn’t like me. Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.
Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt. Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things. To boys who did feel that way back….once I actually let them in on the secret. And by the way, love should never be a secret.
So ladies, who are you ready to tell? Talk to me.
