meet love halfway.
I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…”Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”
Man, do we complicate things. Sometimes things are so easy, almost simple and we somehow make things harder than they are. We add feelings where they don’t exist, we think we are in love when we don’t know all of their good and not so good stuff, we have sex way too soon in a relationship (yeah…I said it), we put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap….the list goes on and on. At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. That’s it. It is a human need, it is us who complicates it.
Let me give you an example.
I have actually had numerous ladies that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?”
Hmmmm…..What do I think that means?!?
Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it. But ladies will sit with their friends for hours and deliberate the whole entire dating relationship to decipher this cryptic message. They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened. Here is some of the answers I have heard.
“He got scared of getting too close.”
“He was intimidated by your (smarts, looks, sense of humor, etc.)
“He must not be over his ex.”
“He likes you TOO much.”
Here is the truth. I wasn’t in those relationships. so I have absolutely NO idea what happened. But here is what I do know. He isn’t interested. That’s it. That is all you need to know. Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right. So why take up your time (and most likely everyone else you know) trying to decipher this cryptic code that isn’t really so cryptic. Why let this kick you in the insecurity and have you question your worth? When really you have all the pieces to the puzzle. He isn’t looking for a relationship with you. So what? I bet someone is.
So really, is it that complicated?
This week, work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you, your expectations and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Collect stories. Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future. It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.
Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey. Isn’t that the point?
What do you think….does your crazy hang out?
Not even the strongest of us can ignore the “world of smitten.”
Then, out of nowhere, something changes. Texts dwindle. Conversations stop. And let’s not talk about the lack of kisses. You’re left, iPhone in hand, muttering “umm…excuse me, what the heck just happened?”
It starts slowly at first, but quickly gains momentum. Your thoughts are spinning out of control and there’s no stopping them. Did you say something wrong? Did you offend him or her? Were you boring? Ugly? Are you a terrible kisser? You comb over every second of every conversation trying to discover what must have brought on this change of heart. It is all you can think about. It is all you can talk about. Somebody MUST have some answers! The world just might be coming to an end.
And there it is … your “crazy” hanging out. No matter how hard you try, you can’t tuck it in, cut it off or even hide it. It has started to consume you and you have no idea how to get rid of it – or the emotions that you have been left with.
The problem is that “the crazy” rarely stays in its small, little spot in the corner of your mind. Slowly but surely, it starts to ooze out everywhere. It keeps you up at night, encouraging you to start cyber stalking, obsessively check your phone for calls/texts, and it may even talk you into a few poor other choices, like late-night texts, hook-ups or other things that have you waking up saying…”that SEEMED like a good idea at the time.” It is one thing to keep “the crazy” in your head; it is an entirely different thing when you start acting on it. It is the actions that cause repercussions that new relationships can’t recover from.
OK Ladies, we need to have a little tough love talk today. I hate to say it but sometimes I am a little confused by my gender. As a coach I try to remain really neutral. I truly have met some amazing single men and women who make me want to be a better person. But the stories I have been hearing lately! Yikes.
A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his blackberry will light up. He will look at it and then shake his head. Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week. Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to grab a drink. He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested. Yet still, she texts and texts and texts.
One of my other clients has been waking up to texts daily with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates. Really?
Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not trying to maul her and obviously was not interested in her. Even though he is recently out of a major relationship, had his heart broken and wanted to take it slow. True story.
Ladies, stop texting, facebooking, emailing, put down the phones and listen up.
Here is the deal. These are great guys. Really great, but they have no idea how to deal with these situations and although these women could have been possibilities at some point, these guys are backed into a corner scratching their heads wondering how to get the hell out. These are the types of guys you WANT to date. They are smart, funny, attractive, successful…the whole package. But coming on to them with the full court press has left them confused and even a little frightened. It is making it harder on the rest of single women everywhere and is certainly not going to get you quality dates.
Don’t misunderstand me. I regularly let women know how important it is to let men know you are interested because the slightly subtle signs you are sending are probably being missed and they are not sure whether to ask you out again or not. If they are confused that you are interested, lots of the great guys won’t stay around to figure it out. But just like politics, extremes are not welcome in dating. Assuming that just because you had a great conversation or a couple of good dates that this is going somewhere is just plain nutters and can take you from zero to crazy in less than 60 seconds.
I am also VERY well aware that men do this too. Sometimes bringing crazy to a whole new level. But I write this column for you and hope that it may allow you to step back and see if you might be guilty of this. Once the texting starts….it is hard to stop. I see a new texters anonymous 12-step program starting up in schools across America. I am there for support☺
As a dating coach I am the first one to admit this…we have made this love/relationship really, really complicated. Hell, we have made basic human interaction uncommon. We are so busy taking the easy way out through texting and facebooking (which has a whole lot of it’s own issues), trying to connect the safe way that we all get tangled up in the wires. If you had a good meeting, date, etc. and make sure they know you are interested take a deep breath and smile. Everyone moves at their own pace and constantly trying to make everyone at your pace is going to leave you scratching your head pouring another drink with your friends. True that we can feel stuck in that crappy ass nervous place waiting for a phone call and it sucks. But do you really want to date someone that wasn’t willing to feel a little nervous for awhile for you?
Need some help? Not sure what isn’t working? That’s why I am here. I am giving away 5 free spots to my new coaching gym for college ladies. Talk to me.
