meet love halfway.
A few years ago I went on what you might call a kamikaze death mission. I felt like I was having a lot of conversations in my head around my past crushes and relationships and I was coming up empty. Looking back I spent a lot of my high school and college years in what I like to call the “pseudo relationship” I would meet someone and without ever really discussing ANYTHING we kind of tripped and fell into a relationship. Not much differently than the time I tripped and fell on that bar dance floor in college after losing the battle to margaritas. Awkward.
These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride. –Not the fun kind but the ones where you are sick half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake.– It would start with some flirting, that lead to hanging out and then at some point kissing would follow. Being really nervous I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away right?) so I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…..into the night.
The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me to my own devices to create reasons why it ended in my head. None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.
So, one day I woke up and did something about it. I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up. Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years…”so, why exactly did we break up again?” I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind. They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood. And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”
As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened. The one where I finally found out that….. I was totally and completely wrong. In every single case.
Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me. The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all. It was usually about timing.
Here is what I have figured out…stay with me here, smart stuff a’comin’. We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can. Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons and most of the time when they end, it really isn’t about you. We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date and what we think love and relationships look like. Good or bad. When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are ok with.
It is why someone who has been abused, usually finds an abuser. It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents. Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship. We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us. It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us. It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.
So, if all of this isn’t about us….what can we do to find love and create a great relationship? Be in charge of what you can control. You and the way you respond to it. Here are a few other things…
Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway. Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good. Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential. So what? Keep your expectations realistic so that if it doesn’t you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility. When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if it is you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before, but it is healthy. If it the second one, give it a chance.
With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you. Isn’t that what it all about?
Feel like you are may be gravitating towards the wrong people? I got your back! Watch for Summer Crush Camp sessions being announced this week.
-Kira
Miss College Love Hangover last night? Brit and I were ridiculous….it is worth a listen.
Today, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college…way back in the ‘90s. At the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy walked into Dante’s (my cool campus job) and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin’ pretty hard. The problem was that I only knew his name and a little about him. So, I did what every other lady did back then: used Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills (that would have impressed the CIA) and got to work. It took about two weeks, but I discovered which dorm he lived in, his major, that he was on swim team and a few other small details. I also found out, with a little help from Lady Luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school. Although I was slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever did come a knockin’.
Fast forward to now and think about the exact same situation. If I would have met him today, within 10 minutes I would know all the info above, including details like The Hangover is his favorite movie, he is into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he no interest in politics and seems to love roller coasters, taco bell and Megan Fox. I would have also seen pics of his friends (kinda dorky), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo). If I dig a little deeper, I can find out that he is a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evil of mainstream music and the record companies. Plus, it’s easy to find nearly seven different ways to contact him. Without even talking to him, I can follow his daily life and let the crush bloom into full blown smitten.
This is where we buy the ticket for the crazy train.
I’m the first to admit that I’m little addicted to “the Facebook” – and I’ve also joked that I’m dating my Mac, judging by the amount of time I spend with it – but I wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating. Knowing everything about a person – without having more than a 20-minute conversation with him or her – allows our minds to judge (I don’t want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs … I love dogs!). Then, when we don’t get that text, call, e-mail, or instant message, we’re devastated and it does a number on our self-esteem.
Sound familiar?
It’s not your fault.
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate – and not necessarily for the better. The bigger downside is that your generation has been left to figure it all out. Yay for you!
But technology doesn’t have to ruin your love life. Here are three ways to keep it under control.
1. If you can’t say it face-to-face, don’t text, e-mail, IM or Facebook it. Many times we choose technology as a way to express our deepest feelings because it creates a wall of safety. Not having to see the other persons reactions allow us to feel that rejection won’t hurt as much. However, we’re losing out on the 60% of our communication that happens tough body language. leaving us to take away only our perspective of the “conversation,” which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings.
Just remember, before you send anything to your crush, make sure that it is something that you could look him or her in the eye and say. Otherwise, save it until you can.
2. Wait to become a “friend.” I was super offended when a guy that I had went on a few dates with didn’t accept my friend request. Hello! We were making out, the least he could do is pretend to like me on Facebook. (Sound familiar?) Once the kissing stopped and we became real friends, I asked him about it and he said that it is too easy to judge and jump to conclusions from someone’s profile and photos. He wanted the people he dated to get to know him – not just what he seemed like on his profile. Smart words.
Extra bonus – it keeps cyber stalking to a minimum and you off the crazy train.
3. Find time to put away the technology. Seriously. Texting is a severely flawed method of communication – and you end up spending 80% of your time asking your friends, “what do you think that means?” Overanalzying a text message will only drive you crazy. Besides, when you’re constantly talking, texting, listening to your iPod, and working on your laptop, you are missing the real life connections that start great relationships. How can you notice that smile or give someone the “OK” for an approach if you are too busy playing Angry Birds?
In short, it is ok to love your technology….just don’t use your technology for love.
-Kira
-Kira
OK Ladies, we need to have a little tough love talk today. I hate to say it but sometimes I am a little confused by my gender. As a coach I try to remain really neutral. I truly have met some amazing single men and women who make me want to be a better person. But the stories I have been hearing lately! Yikes.
A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his blackberry will light up. He will look at it and then shake his head. Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week. Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to grab a drink. He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested. Yet still, she texts and texts and texts.
One of my other clients has been waking up to texts daily with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates. Really?
Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not trying to maul her and obviously was not interested in her. Even though he is recently out of a major relationship, had his heart broken and wanted to take it slow. True story.
Ladies, stop texting, facebooking, emailing, put down the phones and listen up.
Here is the deal. These are great guys. Really great, but they have no idea how to deal with these situations and although these women could have been possibilities at some point, these guys are backed into a corner scratching their heads wondering how to get the hell out. These are the types of guys you WANT to date. They are smart, funny, attractive, successful…the whole package. But coming on to them with the full court press has left them confused and even a little frightened. It is making it harder on the rest of single women everywhere and is certainly not going to get you quality dates.
Don’t misunderstand me. I regularly let women know how important it is to let men know you are interested because the slightly subtle signs you are sending are probably being missed and they are not sure whether to ask you out again or not. If they are confused that you are interested, lots of the great guys won’t stay around to figure it out. But just like politics, extremes are not welcome in dating. Assuming that just because you had a great conversation or a couple of good dates that this is going somewhere is just plain nutters and can take you from zero to crazy in less than 60 seconds.
I am also VERY well aware that men do this too. Sometimes bringing crazy to a whole new level. But I write this column for you and hope that it may allow you to step back and see if you might be guilty of this. Once the texting starts….it is hard to stop. I see a new texters anonymous 12-step program starting up in schools across America. I am there for support☺
As a dating coach I am the first one to admit this…we have made this love/relationship really, really complicated. Hell, we have made basic human interaction uncommon. We are so busy taking the easy way out through texting and facebooking (which has a whole lot of it’s own issues), trying to connect the safe way that we all get tangled up in the wires. If you had a good meeting, date, etc. and make sure they know you are interested take a deep breath and smile. Everyone moves at their own pace and constantly trying to make everyone at your pace is going to leave you scratching your head pouring another drink with your friends. True that we can feel stuck in that crappy ass nervous place waiting for a phone call and it sucks. But do you really want to date someone that wasn’t willing to feel a little nervous for awhile for you?
Need some help? Not sure what isn’t working? That’s why I am here. I am giving away 5 free spots to my new coaching gym for college ladies. Talk to me.
My cousin Big Mary is an inspiration. She is about 70 years old, a retired teacher and absolutely fierce. Although they lived in Virginia, Big Mary, her husband Jim and their daughters Little Mary and Martha would come up to the fine state of Wisconsin at least once a year. Having a very small family, it was always exciting when our cousins with the southern accents would come “up” to visit. My sister and I were always jealous of the tales of school being called off over one measly inch of snow. Ridiculous.
Somewhere over the last ten years or so, Big Mary came up with one of my favorite sayings. She would call to talk to Mom and tell fun stories about life and school in the not so deep south. At one point, it would always come back to one of Mary’s favorite saying, “Not my problem.” She would say it in a fun accent that reminds me of Gone With The Wind (you know us Northerners, all Southern accents sound the same)and would be copied around my house regularly.
Don’t get me wrong. Mary is kind, funny and warm. She is a great Mom to my favorite cousins. Was a wonderful wife for years as her husband grew ill. A valued teacher, neighbor and friend. But Mary was also a smart and spunky lady who knew what to take responsibility for in her life. She wasn’t saying “I don’t care”, she was saying “I am concerned about that person, but they have to figure it out themselves and I can’t do it for them”.
After flippantly quoting Mary for years, one day I finally got it. It didn’t matter how much I worried, lectured, empathized, cried or tried to fix someone else’s life, I couldn’t. It was literally their problem and they had to work it out. I also realized I needed to accept that maybe they never would. In the past I would justify their bad habits, overlook questionable decisions, ignore hurtful comments and actions because when I focused on their problems, I didn’t have to deal with my own.
Something shifted in me that day. I gave myself permission to let go. To allow others to make their own choices and deal with the consequences. To support and listen, but let them know that I couldn’t take on their problems anymore. But in the end, it was never really about them. When I had others’ issues or dramas to worry about, I could ignore my own. The only person whose problems I could fix. Pretty silly right?
So I ask you this. What is “not your problem?” Who are you trying to fix? Who are you allowing to behave badly in your life? Who is taking up your precious time? Don’t you think it is time to let go? Need help? That is why we are here.
