meet love halfway.
So, I had a first love. I am guessing at some point we all do.
I don’t usually write/think about him too much since it creates a strong emotion in me – both good and not so good. I still wonder about a lot of “what ifs” attached to the situation, and it brings a little sadness as I sit here, listening to my itunes “life-changingingly beautiful” mix and let it all roll around in there. But I digress.
Today isn’t about the magic of that first love or those slow/fast moments in the beginning, when I was so excited and crazy about someone that I felt like I was going to vomit pretty much the whole time or when I couldn’t concentrate on the movie just because he was so close. So then there was a slew of movies I had to rewatch at a later time because I didn’t remember anything about them. Or the moments that unfold when you sit there and realize that someone else really, really gets you and more importantly, wants to take the time to try. But that is not what it is about, that was really just for me.
It is about what happens a few years later when you re-connect. When you both have grown up a little, been hurt a few more times and realize that you still have all of these emotions, crazy chemistry and ridiculous curiosity in knowing and understanding each other. And then….now what?
Man, that stuff? The absolutely delicious, wildly exciting, questionably crazy emotions that come along with chemistry, passion and lust is the easy stuff. It is the next steps that get tricky…at least they did for me. Here we go.
I am a strong woman. I can hold my end of virtually any conversation that doesn’t involve some advanced talk of math or science, I can make most people laugh pretty easily, I have had cool ass jobs (hello…dating coach?). I have seen more of the world than most people will ever see and have just gotten started. I can change the tire on my car, cook a 5-course gourmet meal, design a website and then drop a conversation on how social media is effecting society, dating and small business like nothin’. True story.
So when he came back into my life I was on top of the world. I had started reconnecting with him from Italy (didn’t I sound super fancy there?) while I was working on cruise ships and the conversations became more frequent when I moved back to Madison and in with my best friend. I was excited and nervous about this possibility but also really aware of the heartbreak that came the first time around. Although he was physically half way across the country, we started talking daily, sharing our lives, hopes and dreams together. Talking to him became the best part of my day.
Then one day, things changed when I really f-ed up at work. I had gotten a new job and completely and totally dropped the ball. I had inconvenienced a crap load of people and it was even a question if this job was a “good fit for me.” I was devastated. So when the call came that night, I broke into tears. Not cute, sniffle tears but the I can barely speak because I am hysterically crying tears. He was silent.
The silence immediately made me scared because all of a sudden I realized that I had never been this person around him. I had been Awesome Kira. You know “funny, smart, I’m all good – too legit to quit – I can take care of myself” Kira? In that 5-second silence, I imagined the potential of this beautiful relationship being tossed out the window. Then something weird happened.
I realized our relationship did change but not in the way that I thought it would. He cleared his throat, softly and sweetly said, “I am so sorry honey, how can I help? I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know it is going to be ok.” Within a couple of minutes he had me laughing through the tears and I felt better and our relationship had moved to this new level that I didn’t even know we were not reaching.
What I realized in retrospect is that although he really liked “awesome Kira,” it wasn’t enough. I had never really given him a reason to really be there and contribute something to my life. I had put on this whole “look at me, I can do it all by myself” attitude (which, by the way, is complete and utter b*llshit) that never really let him see all sides of me or where he could fit in to my world. By allowing him to see that vulnerability, I allowed him to step up and play a different role where he could feel needed and important. Qualities in every great relationship.
I heard this great quote about it not to long ago: “People like us for being nice. They will admire and respect us for having our act together. But they can only love us when we allow them to see our vulnerabilities and our flaws.”
Dating Makeover Challenge: So here is my question to you all you “awesome” ladies (and yes I mean you my little overachievers). Is your “awesome” holding you back from real love? From a relationship that offers give AND take? Do guys walk in and out of your life because they aren’t sure what to do there since you already have it all figured out?
It is great to be awesome, but it is better to be loved.
-Kira
photo credit to wordsoverpixels.com
A few years ago I went on what you might call a kamikaze death mission. I felt like I was having a lot of conversations in my head around my past crushes and relationships and I was coming up empty. Looking back I spent a lot of my high school and college years in what I like to call the “pseudo relationship” I would meet someone and without ever really discussing ANYTHING we kind of tripped and fell into a relationship. Not much differently than the time I tripped and fell on that bar dance floor in college after losing the battle to margaritas. Awkward.
These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride. –Not the fun kind but the ones where you are sick half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake.– It would start with some flirting, that lead to hanging out and then at some point kissing would follow. Being really nervous I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away right?) so I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…..into the night.
The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me to my own devices to create reasons why it ended in my head. None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.
So, one day I woke up and did something about it. I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up. Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years…”so, why exactly did we break up again?” I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind. They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood. And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”
As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened. The one where I finally found out that….. I was totally and completely wrong. In every single case.
Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me. The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all. It was usually about timing.
Here is what I have figured out…stay with me here, smart stuff a’comin’. We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can. Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons and most of the time when they end, it really isn’t about you. We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date and what we think love and relationships look like. Good or bad. When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are ok with.
It is why someone who has been abused, usually finds an abuser. It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents. Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship. We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us. It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us. It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.
So, if all of this isn’t about us….what can we do to find love and create a great relationship? Be in charge of what you can control. You and the way you respond to it. Here are a few other things…
Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway. Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good. Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential. So what? Keep your expectations realistic so that if it doesn’t you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility. When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if it is you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before, but it is healthy. If it the second one, give it a chance.
With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you. Isn’t that what it all about?
Feel like you are may be gravitating towards the wrong people? I got your back! Watch for Summer Crush Camp sessions being announced this week.
-Kira
Miss College Love Hangover last night? Brit and I were ridiculous….it is worth a listen.
