meet love halfway.
So, I had a first love. I am guessing at some point we all do.
I don’t usually write/think about him too much since it creates a strong emotion in me – both good and not so good. I still wonder about a lot of “what ifs” attached to the situation, and it brings a little sadness as I sit here, listening to my itunes “life-changingingly beautiful” mix and let it all roll around in there. But I digress.
Today isn’t about the magic of that first love or those slow/fast moments in the beginning, when I was so excited and crazy about someone that I felt like I was going to vomit pretty much the whole time or when I couldn’t concentrate on the movie just because he was so close. So then there was a slew of movies I had to rewatch at a later time because I didn’t remember anything about them. Or the moments that unfold when you sit there and realize that someone else really, really gets you and more importantly, wants to take the time to try. But that is not what it is about, that was really just for me.
It is about what happens a few years later when you re-connect. When you both have grown up a little, been hurt a few more times and realize that you still have all of these emotions, crazy chemistry and ridiculous curiosity in knowing and understanding each other. And then….now what?
Man, that stuff? The absolutely delicious, wildly exciting, questionably crazy emotions that come along with chemistry, passion and lust is the easy stuff. It is the next steps that get tricky…at least they did for me. Here we go.
I am a strong woman. I can hold my end of virtually any conversation that doesn’t involve some advanced talk of math or science, I can make most people laugh pretty easily, I have had cool ass jobs (hello…dating coach?). I have seen more of the world than most people will ever see and have just gotten started. I can change the tire on my car, cook a 5-course gourmet meal, design a website and then drop a conversation on how social media is effecting society, dating and small business like nothin’. True story.
So when he came back into my life I was on top of the world. I had started reconnecting with him from Italy (didn’t I sound super fancy there?) while I was working on cruise ships and the conversations became more frequent when I moved back to Madison and in with my best friend. I was excited and nervous about this possibility but also really aware of the heartbreak that came the first time around. Although he was physically half way across the country, we started talking daily, sharing our lives, hopes and dreams together. Talking to him became the best part of my day.
Then one day, things changed when I really f-ed up at work. I had gotten a new job and completely and totally dropped the ball. I had inconvenienced a crap load of people and it was even a question if this job was a “good fit for me.” I was devastated. So when the call came that night, I broke into tears. Not cute, sniffle tears but the I can barely speak because I am hysterically crying tears. He was silent.
The silence immediately made me scared because all of a sudden I realized that I had never been this person around him. I had been Awesome Kira. You know “funny, smart, I’m all good – too legit to quit – I can take care of myself” Kira? In that 5-second silence, I imagined the potential of this beautiful relationship being tossed out the window. Then something weird happened.
I realized our relationship did change but not in the way that I thought it would. He cleared his throat, softly and sweetly said, “I am so sorry honey, how can I help? I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know it is going to be ok.” Within a couple of minutes he had me laughing through the tears and I felt better and our relationship had moved to this new level that I didn’t even know we were not reaching.
What I realized in retrospect is that although he really liked “awesome Kira,” it wasn’t enough. I had never really given him a reason to really be there and contribute something to my life. I had put on this whole “look at me, I can do it all by myself” attitude (which, by the way, is complete and utter b*llshit) that never really let him see all sides of me or where he could fit in to my world. By allowing him to see that vulnerability, I allowed him to step up and play a different role where he could feel needed and important. Qualities in every great relationship.
I heard this great quote about it not to long ago: “People like us for being nice. They will admire and respect us for having our act together. But they can only love us when we allow them to see our vulnerabilities and our flaws.”
Dating Makeover Challenge: So here is my question to you all you “awesome” ladies (and yes I mean you my little overachievers). Is your “awesome” holding you back from real love? From a relationship that offers give AND take? Do guys walk in and out of your life because they aren’t sure what to do there since you already have it all figured out?
It is great to be awesome, but it is better to be loved.
-Kira
photo credit to wordsoverpixels.com
Here is my recent post for the super smart USA Today College. If you have not checked them out, they are a must.
Recently, I found myself in a random, yet fascinating, conversation at one of my favorite coffee shops (a.k.a. “my office”) on a snowy afternoon. To be honest, conversations with strangers are one of my favorite things on Earth. Knowing you may never see them again allows a pure honesty that you don’t always get with people you see on a day-to-day basis. In this quickly intimate conversation, we began talking about friendships – and he made one of the most thought-provoking statements that I had heard in a long time.
“We are represented by our five closest friends.”
The comment was almost flippant, but it sent me reeling. I have always been a proponent of “you are who you surround yourself with,” but the simplicity of this utterance made me wonder about my five people – and am I really OK with them representing me?
College is an interesting time for friendships and sometimes we end up hanging on to friendships with freshmen dorm roommates and floormates instead of people who support, inspire us and make our days better. Without even realizing it, you might find yourself spending your time talking, studying, eating and socializing with people you don’t have much in common with, let alone even like.
Why does this matter – and what does it have to do with dating? Well, everything. Friends impact us in many, many ways. They can affect our mood, confidence, lifestyle choices, social life, schedule, etc. In other words, they are either helping or hurting.
So, here are three types of friends who may be keeping you from your best love life. Do any of them sound familiar?
Read the rest of the story on USA Today College.
What do you think….does your crazy hang out?
Not even the strongest of us can ignore the “world of smitten.”
Then, out of nowhere, something changes. Texts dwindle. Conversations stop. And let’s not talk about the lack of kisses. You’re left, iPhone in hand, muttering “umm…excuse me, what the heck just happened?”
It starts slowly at first, but quickly gains momentum. Your thoughts are spinning out of control and there’s no stopping them. Did you say something wrong? Did you offend him or her? Were you boring? Ugly? Are you a terrible kisser? You comb over every second of every conversation trying to discover what must have brought on this change of heart. It is all you can think about. It is all you can talk about. Somebody MUST have some answers! The world just might be coming to an end.
And there it is … your “crazy” hanging out. No matter how hard you try, you can’t tuck it in, cut it off or even hide it. It has started to consume you and you have no idea how to get rid of it – or the emotions that you have been left with.
The problem is that “the crazy” rarely stays in its small, little spot in the corner of your mind. Slowly but surely, it starts to ooze out everywhere. It keeps you up at night, encouraging you to start cyber stalking, obsessively check your phone for calls/texts, and it may even talk you into a few poor other choices, like late-night texts, hook-ups or other things that have you waking up saying…”that SEEMED like a good idea at the time.” It is one thing to keep “the crazy” in your head; it is an entirely different thing when you start acting on it. It is the actions that cause repercussions that new relationships can’t recover from.
As a dating coach everyone instantly asks me if I am like Patty the Millionaire Matchmaker or Hitch. Although, I respect everyone in a profession similar to mine, what I do is very different.
~Kira
I have been hearing lots of stories from my college ladies lately and I have to be honest, I am getting a little worried. Let me share a few with you.
Recently, I heard one about a junior that had been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and only had fake orgasms since she didn’t want to hurt his feelings or tell him that she had actually NEVER orgasmed. Sound familiar?
Here is another…A sophomore who was taking 3am drunk calls from her ex and hooking up, but ended up feeling lonelier and more depressed the next day. Although she keeps regretting it, she doesn’t know how to stop. Has this happened to anyone you know?
You might be saying “Kira, these have nothing to do with me,” but hear me out. They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Here is why.
Since I started coaching college women, I feel like I am living in a world of stories about drunken hook-ups, walks of shame and disappointment. Understand, I am not judging AT ALL. Hooking-up is part of the college culture and can be a lot of fun. My point is that after the laughing dies down about their latest escapades, I hear the sadness in their voices about how they thought he would call or that it would turn into more. Rarely do they truly express too much since it somehow seems weak to say that they really want a relationship or to feel love and affection. I, too, have been guilty of the idea that to be a strong woman I should not want or need anyone, let alone a man. But that is a lie that we have bought in to. The real strength is understanding how we can grow into better individuals by being in relationships, learning from mistakes and by choosing love. Even if sometimes it doesn’t work.
Here is the most worrisome part of all. The aftermath of the quiet heartache and bad decisions. The blaming. Here come the inevitable comments…What the f*ck is wrong with college guys? Why are they all players and a**holes? Why don’t any of them want a relationship? How could they act like fill-in-the-blank? You get my drift.
I believe that I actually have the answer to that question…just most of the time it is really hard to hear. The answer is us. The women they date, hook-up with and sleep with. WE are what is wrong with college guys (or most guys in general). Before you start your hate comments below, hear me out.
One of the quotes I have fully embraced as a coach and as a person is “we teach people how to treat us.” If you feel used and abused, unheard, unloved, taken advantage of, sh*t on, ignored, left out, whatever, most likely somewhere along the way you let the people in your life think it was OK to treat you like that. Don’t get me wrong, you did it with the best intentions. You wanted to be liked or loved and thought by allowing bad behavior they would turn around and love you. But what actually happened is that by not setting up boundaries, you allowed them to walk all over you and disrespect your time, body and feelings.
Here is the real issue, ladies. Not only do your choices affect you , they also affect all the women you know, and even the ones you don’t. Why does it matter to you that someone else is faking orgasms or letting some guy treat her like crap? Because after awhile that is what guys start thinking is the norm. When that guy dates someone else and uses his “magic moves” he is going to be confused and frustrated when they don’t work. Is it really his fault if she never took the time to show him what she liked? If she never communicated with him what worked and what didn’t? She has just set him (and every other girl he dates) up for failure. What about drunk 3am guy? If she keeps hooking up with him, he is going to start thinking that is acceptable behavior. Why wouldn’t he? He is rewarded every time he does it.
So when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that is how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated. I mean who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that all of you complain about so much…their mom?
I am well aware that guys need a talkin’ to, but we are going to work on the one part of every relationship you can control. Yourself.
Ladies, we need to stop hating on guys and each other and starting helping our sisters out! Pay it forward, if you will. By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future of relationships for all of us. College is first place we really learn how to date on our own and paves the way for the future.
How can you do that? As Gandhi says “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Here is how you can start.
- If constant hook-ups are leaving you feeling more lonely and depressed, hand them your number instead. Trust that there are plenty of good guys out there (I believe there are) and they will call you if they like you and are interested in starting something.
- If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene.
- If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.
- If you are having sex and not getting what you want, get to know your own body and what it likes and then communicate it to your partner. (And yes, I am talking about “private” sexy time.)
- If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and then follow through on your word knowing that you will feel better alone at night then with someone who doesn’t treat you well. Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.
- If you are hooking up regularly, just check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure you are still feeling good about it. Ask yourself if you feel like you have power in the situation. What are your expectations? Is this for fun or to fill a void? Just keep this in mind: hook-ups don’t necessarily equal a relationship. If that is the only tactic you are trying, you are probably going to end up with that sick feeling in your stomach.
- Look for the good guys. They are out there. Promise.
- Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected. But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.
If it is hard to do it it for yourself, do it for all the other women out there. You won’t regret it.
