So, I had a first love.  I am guessing at some point we all do.

I don’t usually write/think about him too much since it creates a strong emotion in me – both good and not so good. I still wonder about a lot of “what ifs” attached to the situation, and it brings a little sadness as I sit here, listening to my itunes “life-changingingly beautiful” mix and let it all roll around in there.  But I digress.

Today isn’t about the magic of that first love or those slow/fast moments in the beginning, when I was so excited and crazy about someone that I felt like I was going to vomit pretty much the whole time or when I couldn’t concentrate on the movie just because he was so close. So then there was a slew of movies I had to rewatch at a later time because I didn’t remember anything about them.  Or the moments that unfold when you sit there and realize that someone else really, really gets you and more importantly, wants to take the time to try.   But that is not what it is about, that was really just for me.

It is about what happens a few years later when you re-connect.  When you both have grown up a little, been hurt a few more times and realize that you still have all of these emotions, crazy chemistry and ridiculous curiosity in knowing and understanding each other.  And then….now what?

Man, that stuff?  The absolutely delicious, wildly exciting, questionably crazy emotions that come along with chemistry, passion and lust is the easy stuff.  It is the next steps that get tricky…at least they did for me.  Here we go.

I am a strong woman.  I can hold my end of virtually any conversation that doesn’t involve some advanced talk of math or science, I can make most people laugh pretty easily, I have had cool ass jobs (hello…dating coach?).  I have seen more of the world than most people will ever see and have just gotten started.  I can change the tire on my car, cook a 5-course gourmet meal, design a website and then drop a conversation on how social media is effecting society, dating and small business like nothin’.  True story.

So when he came back into my life I was on top of the world.  I had started reconnecting with him from Italy (didn’t I sound super fancy there?) while I was working on cruise ships and the conversations became more frequent when I moved back to Madison and in with my best friend.  I was excited and nervous about this possibility but also really aware of the heartbreak that came the first time around.  Although he was physically half way across the country, we started talking daily, sharing our lives, hopes and dreams together.  Talking to him became the best part of my day.

Then one day, things changed when I really f-ed up at work.  I had gotten a new job and completely and totally dropped the ball.  I had inconvenienced a crap load of people and it was even a question if this job was a “good fit for me.”  I was devastated.  So when the call came that night,  I broke into tears.  Not cute, sniffle tears but the I can barely speak because I am hysterically crying tears.  He was silent.

The silence immediately made me scared because all of a sudden I realized that I had never been this person around him.  I had been Awesome Kira.  You know “funny, smart, I’m all good – too legit to quit – I can take care of myself” Kira?  In that 5-second silence, I imagined the potential of this beautiful relationship being tossed out the window.  Then something weird happened.
I realized our relationship did change but not in the way that I thought it would.  He cleared his throat, softly and sweetly said, “I am so sorry honey, how can I help?  I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know it is going to be ok.”  Within a couple of minutes he had me laughing through the tears and I felt better and our relationship had moved to this new level that I didn’t even know we were not reaching.

What I realized in retrospect is that although he really liked “awesome Kira,” it wasn’t enough.  I had never really given him a reason to really be there and contribute something to my life.  I had put on this whole “look at me, I can do it all by myself” attitude (which, by the way, is complete and utter b*llshit) that never really let him see all sides of me or where he could fit in to my world.  By allowing him to see that vulnerability, I allowed him to step up and play a different role where he could feel needed and important.   Qualities in every great relationship.

I heard this great quote about it not to long ago: “People like us for being nice.  They will admire and respect us for having our act together.  But they can only love us when we allow them to see our vulnerabilities and our flaws.”

Dating Makeover Challenge: So here is my question to you all you “awesome” ladies (and yes I mean you my little overachievers).  Is your “awesome”  holding you back from real love?  From a relationship that offers give AND take?  Do guys walk in and out of your life because they aren’t sure what to do there since you already have it all figured out?

It is great to be awesome, but it is better to be loved.

-Kira

photo credit to wordsoverpixels.com

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A few years ago I went on what you might call a kamikaze death mission. I felt like I was having a lot of conversations in my head around my past crushes and relationships and I was coming up empty.  Looking back I spent a lot of my high school and college years in what I like to call the “pseudo relationship”  I would meet someone and without ever really discussing ANYTHING we kind of tripped and fell into a relationship.   Not much differently than the time I tripped and fell on that bar dance floor in college after losing the battle to margaritas.  Awkward.

These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride.  –Not the fun kind but the ones where you are sick half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake.–  It would start with some flirting, that lead to hanging out and then at some point kissing would follow.  Being really nervous I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away right?) so I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…..into the night.

The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me to my own devices to create reasons why it ended in my head.  None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.

So, one day I woke up and did something about it.  I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up.  Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years…”so, why exactly did we break up again?”  I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind.  They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood.  And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”

As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened.  The one where I finally found out that….. I was totally and completely wrong.  In every single case.

Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me.  The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all.  It was usually about timing.

Here is what I have figured out…stay with me here, smart stuff a’comin’.  We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can.   Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons and most of the time when they end, it really isn’t about you.  We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date and what we think love and relationships look like.  Good or bad.  When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are ok with.

It is why someone who has been abused, usually finds an abuser.  It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents.  Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship.  We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us.  It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us.   It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.

So, if all of this isn’t about us….what can we do to find love and create a great relationship?  Be in charge of what you can control.  You and the way you respond to it.  Here are a few other things…

Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway.  Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good.  Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential.  So what?  Keep your expectations realistic so that if it doesn’t you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility.  When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if it is you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before, but it is healthy.  If it the second one, give it a chance.

With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you.  Isn’t that what it all about?

Feel like you are may be gravitating towards the wrong people?  I got your back!  Watch for Summer Crush Camp sessions being announced this week.

-Kira

Miss College Love Hangover last night?  Brit and I were ridiculous….it is worth a listen.

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Today, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college…way back in the ‘90s.  At the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy walked into Dante’s (my cool campus job) and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin’ pretty hard.  The problem was that I only knew his name and a little about him. So, I did what every other lady did back then: used Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills (that would have impressed the CIA) and got to work.  It took about two weeks, but I discovered which dorm he lived in, his major, that he was on swim team and a few other small details.  I also found out, with a little help from Lady Luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school.  Although I was slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever did come a knockin’.

Fast forward to now and think about the exact same situation.  If I would have met him today, within 10 minutes I would know all the info above, including details like The Hangover is his favorite movie, he is into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he no interest in politics and seems to love roller coasters, taco bell and Megan Fox.  I would have also seen pics of his friends (kinda dorky), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo).  If I dig a little deeper, I can find out that he is a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evil of mainstream music and the record companies.  Plus, it’s easy to find nearly seven different ways to contact him.  Without even talking to him, I can follow his daily life and let the crush bloom into full blown smitten.

This is where we buy the ticket for the crazy train.

I’m the first to admit that I’m little addicted to “the Facebook” – and I’ve also joked that I’m dating my Mac, judging by the amount of time I spend with it – but I wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating.  Knowing everything about a person – without having more than a 20-minute conversation with him or her – allows our minds to judge (I don’t want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs … I love dogs!).  Then, when we don’t get that text, call, e-mail, or instant message, we’re devastated and it does a number on our self-esteem.

Sound familiar?
It’s not your fault.

Technology has completely changed the way we communicate – and not necessarily for the better. The bigger downside is that your generation has been left to figure it all out. Yay for you!

But technology doesn’t have to ruin your love life. Here are three ways to keep it under control.

1.  If you can’t say it face-to-face, don’t text, e-mail, IM or Facebook it. Many times we choose technology as a way to express our deepest feelings because it creates a wall of safety.  Not having to see the other persons reactions allow us to feel that rejection won’t hurt as much. However, we’re losing out on the 60% of our communication that happens tough body language. leaving us to take away only our perspective of the “conversation,” which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Just remember, before you send anything to your crush, make sure that it is something that you could look him or her in the eye and say.  Otherwise, save it until you can.

2.  Wait to become a “friend.” I was super offended when a guy that I had went on a few dates with didn’t accept my friend request.  Hello! We were making out, the least he could do is pretend to like me on Facebook.  (Sound familiar?) Once the kissing stopped and we became real friends, I asked him about it and he said that it is too easy to judge and jump to conclusions from someone’s profile and photos. He wanted the people he dated to get to know him – not just what he seemed like on his profile.  Smart words.

Extra bonus – it keeps cyber stalking to a minimum and you off the crazy train.

3.  Find time to put away the technology.  Seriously. Texting is a severely flawed method of communication – and you end up spending 80% of your time asking your friends, “what do you think that means?” Overanalzying a text message will only drive you crazy. Besides, when you’re constantly talking, texting, listening to your iPod, and working on your laptop, you are missing the real life connections that start great relationships.  How can you notice that smile or give someone the “OK” for an approach if you are too busy playing Angry Birds?

In short, it is ok to love your technology….just don’t use your technology for love.

-Kira

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It was 2006 and I was working on cruise ships.  I had flown from Madison to Rome and was so jet-lagged that I couldn’t see straight.  All I wanted was a nap but was instantly thrown into trainings, tours and catch up time with one of my favorite friends on earth, Amy.  I have no idea how, but that night she talked me into having a couple of drinks to meet all of my new co-workers for the next three months AND check out the guy she already had a crush on.  I literally was so tired that I thought I just pass out in the bar (which surprisingly would be  first), but the call of a beverage and hotness was too tempting.

The OB (Officers Bar where we hung out) was hoppin.  Why wouldn’t it be?  There are about 15 different nationalities-mostly men- in the room and drinks are about a buck.  Amy was whisking me around with 10 second intros lingering on the ones that she liked or thought that I might.  I remember having a beer in my hand and only one eye open….just trying to focus on who I was talking to.  Then, the booze gods shined down on me and I started to get a buzz so my 10th wind kicked in.  I mean who doesn’t love Dutch officers?  So much fun that I barely noticed when Amy said good night and went to our cabin.

About an hour later when I realized that exhaustion had officially set in and my new BFFs had just left, I turned towards the door to leave. Then it hit me…I had zero idea how to get to my cabin (as in the room where I lived and where my bed was loudly calling my name).  Now, I am not directionally special, I actually was deemed “the Navigator” on family road trips to Disney World, but I had never been on this type of ship before and the crew area could be super confusing.  I was definitely screwed.

Let me make a quick mention that I am overall quite self sufficient and a pretty strong woman.  I have been on 5 out of 7 continents, can change my own tire and cook almost anything. Hell, I started my own business and this site, thank you very much.  I was the one that my friends came to for help.  So besides my parents I was not used to asking for help and certainly not from someone who I would have to see regularly around the ship and would smile and always give me the look like “that girl didn’t even know how to get back to her own cabin.”

He laughed and flashed me his megawatt smile and said sure.  I nervously smiled and kept saying “see that wasn’t so bad” over and over in my head to make my heart stop thumping so loudly.  I can ask for help.  This guy wouldn’t think I was a total idiot, right?

We walked the maze to my cabin and actually started up a nice conversation.  He was an engineer on board, a nice guy and really funny.  Somewhere along the way, I started to breathe again and actually enjoy myself.  So much, that when he asked if I wanted to stop in the engine room to see his friend for a moment I said sure.  What the hell, it was the least I could do.

After about 15 minutes of laughing with the two of them I said my goodbyes since I knew approximately where I was now and could get back to my cabin.  I wondered if I would ever see Robert again.  His schedule was very different than mine and we would run in different social circles.  But the night had ended up being a pleasant surprise.  I started to walk out of the room so tired I wanted to cry that I didn’t notice the inch tall lip on the bottom of the door and tripped.  Now, there is one thing you should know about me, I am klutzy.  Very klutzy.  Tripping is normal for me, but falling completely flat on my face isn’t and it took about two minutes for Robert and his friend to make sure I was ok and then fall over laughing.  I mean actually fall over laughing.  My body and ego was completely bruised.  I felt like a complete ass.

I had no idea what to do.  The mighty had fallen, literally.  All my coolness was gone.  I couldn’t be my usually cute, snarky self around this guy because not only had I gotten lost but then fell on my face.  I was a total disaster.

But here is what happened that totally surprise me.  Due to my ridiculousness, the ice was broken.  All the pretenses were gone and it paved the way to a beautiful friendship.  One so beautiful that I am aiming to head to Amsterdam to spend time with him this summer.

Somewhere along the way we have chosen this media inspired way that we are supposed to look and act in life and relationships.  We are so busy trying to do everything “right” we forget how life takes over and these moments, imperfections, disasters, debacles and so forth actually make us better people.  Not everyone is going to look like Zac or the Kardashians and man it would be boring if they did.  We are all imperfect, flawed and in my mind that is the good stuff.  The stuff helps us recognize our gifts, stand out among the masses and makes us different.

So this week as you walk around with your winning smile and are trying to to look and be your best, remember that it is accidents that can make the best stories, memories and even friendships.  What is your favorite accident?

Share your story with me.

-Kira

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Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about  a recent article about love that had gone wrong.  My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said “what DID happen there?  You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”

With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time and had chosen her.  I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)

Huh?!?

What was this logic she was bestowing on me?  You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him?  That I had wanted him to stay?  That I wanted see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level?  That there were options and I was one of them?

I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me.  At the time I was devastated.  I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time.  How nice of me, right?

Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out.  Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot.  Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up about being dumped.   I was never dumped….I never even let myself even be considered.

After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about.  Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to hope that they liked me.  I would sit around and wait for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Micael Cera-esque type of fashion making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” monologue being the perfect amount of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.

After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen because usually they are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable.  They are just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them, if they didn’t like me.  Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.

Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt.  Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment  would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things.  To boys who did feel that way back….once I actually let them in on the secret.  And by the way, love should never be a secret.

So ladies, who are you ready to tell?  Talk to me.

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