meet love halfway.
I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…”Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”
Man, do we complicate things. Sometimes things are so easy, almost simple and we somehow make things harder than they are. We add feelings where they don’t exist, we think we are in love when we don’t know all of their good and not so good stuff, we have sex way too soon in a relationship (yeah…I said it), we put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap….the list goes on and on. At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. That’s it. It is a human need, it is us who complicates it.
Let me give you an example.
I have actually had numerous ladies that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?”
Hmmmm…..What do I think that means?!?
Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it. But ladies will sit with their friends for hours and deliberate the whole entire dating relationship to decipher this cryptic message. They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened. Here is some of the answers I have heard.
“He got scared of getting too close.”
“He was intimidated by your (smarts, looks, sense of humor, etc.)
“He must not be over his ex.”
“He likes you TOO much.”
Here is the truth. I wasn’t in those relationships. so I have absolutely NO idea what happened. But here is what I do know. He isn’t interested. That’s it. That is all you need to know. Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right. So why take up your time (and most likely everyone else you know) trying to decipher this cryptic code that isn’t really so cryptic. Why let this kick you in the insecurity and have you question your worth? When really you have all the pieces to the puzzle. He isn’t looking for a relationship with you. So what? I bet someone is.
So really, is it that complicated?
This week, work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you, your expectations and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Collect stories. Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future. It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.
Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey. Isn’t that the point?
A few years ago I went on what you might call a kamikaze death mission. I felt like I was having a lot of conversations in my head around my past crushes and relationships and I was coming up empty. Looking back I spent a lot of my high school and college years in what I like to call the “pseudo relationship” I would meet someone and without ever really discussing ANYTHING we kind of tripped and fell into a relationship. Not much differently than the time I tripped and fell on that bar dance floor in college after losing the battle to margaritas. Awkward.
These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride. –Not the fun kind but the ones where you are sick half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake.– It would start with some flirting, that lead to hanging out and then at some point kissing would follow. Being really nervous I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away right?) so I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…..into the night.
The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me to my own devices to create reasons why it ended in my head. None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.
So, one day I woke up and did something about it. I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up. Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years…”so, why exactly did we break up again?” I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind. They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood. And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”
As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened. The one where I finally found out that….. I was totally and completely wrong. In every single case.
Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me. The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all. It was usually about timing.
Here is what I have figured out…stay with me here, smart stuff a’comin’. We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can. Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons and most of the time when they end, it really isn’t about you. We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date and what we think love and relationships look like. Good or bad. When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are ok with.
It is why someone who has been abused, usually finds an abuser. It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents. Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship. We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us. It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us. It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.
So, if all of this isn’t about us….what can we do to find love and create a great relationship? Be in charge of what you can control. You and the way you respond to it. Here are a few other things…
Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway. Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good. Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential. So what? Keep your expectations realistic so that if it doesn’t you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility. When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if it is you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before, but it is healthy. If it the second one, give it a chance.
With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you. Isn’t that what it all about?
Feel like you are may be gravitating towards the wrong people? I got your back! Watch for Summer Crush Camp sessions being announced this week.
-Kira
Miss College Love Hangover last night? Brit and I were ridiculous….it is worth a listen.
Today, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college…way back in the ‘90s. At the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy walked into Dante’s (my cool campus job) and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin’ pretty hard. The problem was that I only knew his name and a little about him. So, I did what every other lady did back then: used Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills (that would have impressed the CIA) and got to work. It took about two weeks, but I discovered which dorm he lived in, his major, that he was on swim team and a few other small details. I also found out, with a little help from Lady Luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school. Although I was slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever did come a knockin’.
Fast forward to now and think about the exact same situation. If I would have met him today, within 10 minutes I would know all the info above, including details like The Hangover is his favorite movie, he is into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he no interest in politics and seems to love roller coasters, taco bell and Megan Fox. I would have also seen pics of his friends (kinda dorky), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo). If I dig a little deeper, I can find out that he is a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evil of mainstream music and the record companies. Plus, it’s easy to find nearly seven different ways to contact him. Without even talking to him, I can follow his daily life and let the crush bloom into full blown smitten.
This is where we buy the ticket for the crazy train.
I’m the first to admit that I’m little addicted to “the Facebook” – and I’ve also joked that I’m dating my Mac, judging by the amount of time I spend with it – but I wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating. Knowing everything about a person – without having more than a 20-minute conversation with him or her – allows our minds to judge (I don’t want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs … I love dogs!). Then, when we don’t get that text, call, e-mail, or instant message, we’re devastated and it does a number on our self-esteem.
Sound familiar?
It’s not your fault.
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate – and not necessarily for the better. The bigger downside is that your generation has been left to figure it all out. Yay for you!
But technology doesn’t have to ruin your love life. Here are three ways to keep it under control.
1. If you can’t say it face-to-face, don’t text, e-mail, IM or Facebook it. Many times we choose technology as a way to express our deepest feelings because it creates a wall of safety. Not having to see the other persons reactions allow us to feel that rejection won’t hurt as much. However, we’re losing out on the 60% of our communication that happens tough body language. leaving us to take away only our perspective of the “conversation,” which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings.
Just remember, before you send anything to your crush, make sure that it is something that you could look him or her in the eye and say. Otherwise, save it until you can.
2. Wait to become a “friend.” I was super offended when a guy that I had went on a few dates with didn’t accept my friend request. Hello! We were making out, the least he could do is pretend to like me on Facebook. (Sound familiar?) Once the kissing stopped and we became real friends, I asked him about it and he said that it is too easy to judge and jump to conclusions from someone’s profile and photos. He wanted the people he dated to get to know him – not just what he seemed like on his profile. Smart words.
Extra bonus – it keeps cyber stalking to a minimum and you off the crazy train.
3. Find time to put away the technology. Seriously. Texting is a severely flawed method of communication – and you end up spending 80% of your time asking your friends, “what do you think that means?” Overanalzying a text message will only drive you crazy. Besides, when you’re constantly talking, texting, listening to your iPod, and working on your laptop, you are missing the real life connections that start great relationships. How can you notice that smile or give someone the “OK” for an approach if you are too busy playing Angry Birds?
In short, it is ok to love your technology….just don’t use your technology for love.
-Kira
Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about a recent article about love that had gone wrong. My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said “what DID happen there? You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”
With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time and had chosen her. I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”
(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)
Huh?!?
What was this logic she was bestowing on me? You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him? That I had wanted him to stay? That I wanted see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level? That there were options and I was one of them?
I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me. At the time I was devastated. I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time. How nice of me, right?
Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out. Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot. Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up about being dumped. I was never dumped….I never even let myself even be considered.
After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about. Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to hope that they liked me. I would sit around and wait for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Micael Cera-esque type of fashion making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” monologue being the perfect amount of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.
After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen because usually they are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable. They are just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them, if they didn’t like me. Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.
Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt. Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things. To boys who did feel that way back….once I actually let them in on the secret. And by the way, love should never be a secret.
So ladies, who are you ready to tell? Talk to me.
-Kira
