Sitting on our computer, listening to spotify, playing a little Binguez.es and finally you hear the little chime that you have been waiting for.  A text from the person you are currently crushing on.  You are excited, because this one has REAL potential, not like all the other ones.  You slide your finger across the screen to see what it says and then sit there…confused.  Having no idea what it means.

Guess what, everybody?  Texting is a seriously flawed communication and if that is the primary way that you are building your  relationships, you are setting yourself up for many days of staring at your phone, calling over your friends and saying….”what do you think that means?”

Sounds like fun, right?  Not really.

Relationships are about connections, but if you are using the safety of connecting online or on your phone, you are always going to be missing out.  You may even run into problems just from simple miscommunication.  Is that how you want to build a relationship?  Slightly confused about what they even mean?

As I continue to delve into the world of dating with technology, I want you to remember one simple guideline.  It will save you hours of confusion, disappointment and frustration.   Here you go:

If you can’t say something to their face, you shouldn’t text, fb, tweet or send it over IM.

Truly.

Remember that texting was originally created to let a friend know you were running late when they were in a place where they couldn’t take calls, not to begin and maintain the beautiful and delicate art of a relationship.  If there is something worth being a little uncomfortable for, isn’t it love?

Start the revolution with me:)

I don’t usually write/think about him too much since it creates a strong emotion in me – both good and not so good. I still wonder about a lot of “what ifs” attached to the situation, and it brings a little sadness as I sit here, listening to my itunes “life-changingingly beautiful” mix and let it all roll around in there.  But I digress.

Today isn’t about the magic of that first love or those slow/fast moments in the beginning, when I was so excited and crazy about someone that I felt like I was going to vomit pretty much the whole time or when I couldn’t concentrate on the movie just because he was so close. So then there was a slew of movies I had to rewatch at a later time because I didn’t remember anything about them.  Or the moments that unfold when you sit there and realize that someone else really, really gets you and more importantly, wants to take the time to try.   But that is not what it is about, that was really just for me.

It is about what happens a few years later when you re-connect.  When you both have grown up a little, been hurt a few more times and realize that you still have all of these emotions, crazy chemistry and ridiculous curiosity in knowing and understanding each other.  And then….now what?

Man, that stuff?  The absolutely delicious, wildly exciting, questionably crazy emotions that come along with chemistry, passion and lust is the easy stuff.  It is the next steps that get tricky…at least they did for me.  Here we go.

I am a strong woman.  I can hold my end of virtually any conversation that doesn’t involve some advanced talk of math or science, I can make most people laugh pretty easily, I have had cool ass jobs (hello…dating coach?).  I have seen more of the world than most people will ever see and have just gotten started.  I can change the tire on my car, cook a 5-course gourmet meal, design a website and then drop a conversation on how social media is effecting society, dating and small business like nothin’.  True story.

So when he came back into my life I was on top of the world.  I had started reconnecting with him from Italy (didn’t I sound super fancy there?) while I was working on cruise ships and the conversations became more frequent when I moved back to Madison and in with my best friend.  I was excited and nervous about this possibility but also really aware of the heartbreak that came the first time around.  Although he was physically half way across the country, we started talking daily, sharing our lives, hopes and dreams together.  Talking to him became the best part of my day.

Then one day, things changed when I really f-ed up at work.  I had gotten a new job and completely and totally dropped the ball.  I had inconvenienced a crap load of people and it was even a question if this job was a “good fit for me.”  I was devastated.  So when the call came that night,  I broke into tears.  Not cute, sniffle tears but the I can barely speak because I am hysterically crying tears.  He was silent.

The silence immediately made me scared because all of a sudden I realized that I had never been this person around him.  I had been Awesome Kira.  You know “funny, smart, I’m all good – too legit to quit – I can take care of myself” Kira?  In that 5-second silence, I imagined the potential of this beautiful relationship being tossed out the window.  Then something weird happened.
I realized our relationship did change but not in the way that I thought it would.  He cleared his throat, softly and sweetly said, “I am so sorry honey, how can I help?  I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know it is going to be ok.”  Within a couple of minutes he had me laughing through the tears and I felt better and our relationship had moved to this new level that I didn’t even know we were not reaching.

What I realized in retrospect is that although he really liked “awesome Kira,” it wasn’t enough.  I had never really given him a reason to really be there and contribute something to my life.  I had put on this whole “look at me, I can do it all by myself” attitude (which, by the way, is complete and utter b*llshit) that never really let him see all sides of me or where he could fit in to my world.  By allowing him to see that vulnerability, I allowed him to step up and play a different role where he could feel needed and important.   Qualities in every great relationship.

I heard this great quote about it not to long ago: “People like us for being nice.  They will admire and respect us for having our act together.  But they can only love us when we allow them to see our vulnerabilities and our flaws.”

Dating Makeover Challenge: So here is my question to you all you “awesome” ladies (and yes I mean you my little overachievers).  Is your “awesome”  holding you back from real love?  From a relationship that offers give AND take?  Do guys walk in and out of your life because they aren’t sure what to do there since you already have it all figured out?

It is great to be awesome, but it is better to be loved.

-Kira

photo credit to wordsoverpixels.com

Love. This elusive emotion that can make us feel like we are flying and on top on the world when we have found it, yet devastated, hurt and confused when it is not returned to us. When it comes to love, it can feel like we are on this treasure hunt, blindfolded without a treasure map. We spend so many days just walking through life, trying to figure out what love is, where to find it and then by ALL means how to keep it when we do.

All of my friends that I described above, at some point had felt what they know of love and were hooked on the feeling. Jonesin’ for it. Even when what was happening in the relationship didn’t have anything that even resembled love. Cheating, lack of communication, put-downs in public and private always leaving these women feeling crappy, hurt and more lonely than if they were single.

But they love him, right? How could they even thinking about leaving?  For some reason we have let that emotion/word excuse bad behavior across the nation. We believe that love will conquer all. That if we try hard enough and love passionately enough if will all work out. We can fix anything with love.  Right?

Ladies, here is something you should know about me. I am not your Mom. I am not some Judgey McJudgerson who sits on her computer telling you how to feel, who to love and giving you a bunch of rules to follow. As a coach, I want to help you step outside of yourself (and get out of that head) to see things from different perspectives and make decisions based on your head and your heart. Here is my different perspective for the day.

When you are in the “but I love him” space and excusing behavior that is making you feel AWFUL, you are only using your emotions. The funny thing is the main emotion you are using is not actually love…but fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of walking away from something you worked so hard on. Fear of having to try to find love again and not finding it. Fear of leaving a comfort zone, even if it is a comfort zone that feels like crap. Fear of being unlovable.

Because if it was really love, where is the love for yourself and what you deserve? Where is the love for a for your fellow women knowing that you allowing this unhealthy behavior is creating a pattern that lets guys think that what they are doing is ok? Where is the love for a healthy balanced relationship that are you are not letting happen by tolerating this crap? Where is the love for that amazing guy who wants to treat you well and is out there looking for you, but can’t find you because you are in this dysfunctional crap? As the Black Eyed Peas asked…”Where is the love?”

Let me tell you ladies.  Many times you have to step outside of your relationship and make sure that there is just as much love for you going on as for them.  Btw, that should be from them and you.  Because without it, you will never have a healthy and balanced relationship.  You will always be left sitting there, waiting for someone else to deem you loveable.  If you don’t have that love and respect for yourself, it will be hard to get it from someone else.  You are going to be waiting a long, long time.

Your Dating Makeover Challenge: When you are in that “sick to your stomach” unhappy feeling (in any kind of relationship), I want you to ask yourself if you are sticking around because of love or fear and what you can do to start changing that.

Remember, that is why I am here….to help.

-Kira

When I was growing up it was my favorite time of year.  For two weeks in the summer,  I could go and be surrounded by friends new and old, try on different things in a supportive setting and just feel the love.

Summer Crush Camp is kinda like that…all without having to leave your comfy couch.

This summer, I am creating two 4-week sessions where you can work on you and changing your dating life while you make new friends, try new ideas and mindsets all within a supportive setting.

I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…”Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”

These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride.  –Not the fun kind but the ones where you are sick half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake.–  It would start with some flirting, that lead to hanging out and then at some point kissing would follow.  Being really nervous I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away right?) so I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…..into the night.

The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me to my own devices to create reasons why it ended in my head.  None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.

So, one day I woke up and did something about it.  I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up.  Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years…”so, why exactly did we break up again?”  I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind.  They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood.  And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”

As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened.  The one where I finally found out that….. I was totally and completely wrong.  In every single case.

Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me.  The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all.  It was usually about timing.

Here is what I have figured out…stay with me here, smart stuff a’comin’.  We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can.   Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons and most of the time when they end, it really isn’t about you.  We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date and what we think love and relationships look like.  Good or bad.  When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are ok with.

It is why someone who has been abused, usually finds an abuser.  It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents.  Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship.  We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us.  It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us.   It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.

So, if all of this isn’t about us….what can we do to find love and create a great relationship?  Be in charge of what you can control.  You and the way you respond to it.  Here are a few other things…

Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway.  Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good.  Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential.  So what?  Keep your expectations realistic so that if it doesn’t you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility.  When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if it is you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before, but it is healthy.  If it the second one, give it a chance.

With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you.  Isn’t that what it all about?

Feel like you are may be gravitating towards the wrong people?  I got your back!  Watch for Summer Crush Camp sessions being announced this week.

-Kira

Miss College Love Hangover last night?  Brit and I were ridiculous….it is worth a listen.